I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
