i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
