Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
