he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
