Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
how drunk are you?
Several
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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