How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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