I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
