The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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