I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We need to get me chipped asap
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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