There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
i think my cat just said my name.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
