I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
