Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
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