I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
