I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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