I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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