i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
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