just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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