Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
