she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
