So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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