So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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