I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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