I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
