Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
