Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
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