Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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