Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
