Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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