You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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