Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
