I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Randomize
