it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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