so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
