Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
