Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize