One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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