im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
