I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
