I wish I could teleport
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
