I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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