peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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