I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
