3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
