did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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