I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
