its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
