I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize