Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
