he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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