I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
