I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
