Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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