I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
