if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The best revenge is premature balding
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
