**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
