need another drink. this is the easiest way
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We had to coat check the pizza.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
