I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
