Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
