I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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