Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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