i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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